Oh Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!

Man you aren't gonna beleeeeeeeeeeeeeve it!

I got the best duck for Christmas! This is the best duck of all time! I mean this is the duckie de tutti duckies!

Ok ok, so Christmas Duck looks a little beat up for being only like a week old. But hey I work my duckies hard! And guess what? Christmas Duck is washable!

Ok, so this package comes in the mail alllllllllllllll the way from California. It's addressed to me. That's right, the box said TOSCA on it, no fooling around. Well let me tell you there isn't a package or bag that gets past the front door without going through me to begin with. But to see Mom say OH TOSCA IT's FOR YOUUUUUUUUUU! just flipped me out.

So Mom and I opened the package and out popped Christmas Duck. And guess who it was from? My friend Gonzo in California! Now Gonzo's a cat. You got a problem with that? Huh? I didn't think so.

Well but so anyways, I was so excited when Mom took Christmas Duck out of the box, I could barely let her cut off the tags. I was that excited. So guess what else? Christmas Duck comes with these two matching plush eggs that you shove up his...um...orifice and they squeak! Guess what else? He comes with two auxiliary eggs in case I lose an egg or rip it to shreds like I recently did to one of my other poor ducks in the collection. Secretly, Mom is seriously considering transplanting one of Christmas Duck's auxilary squeak eggs into my other duck that I took the squeaker out of that Mom can't find. That's because she thinks I ate it. I ain't sayin' nuthin'.

Anyways, I have been totally preoccupied with Christmas Duck since he arrived. This explains the dirt, but hey it's my duck, right? Anyways, I was up one night admiring Christmas Duck and I couldn't help but just burst into song as I squeaked him outside Mom's bedroom door at 3 AM.

(Sung To the Tune of O Christmas Tree)

O Christmas Duck!
O Christmas Duck!
I really love my Christmas Duck!

I quack him here,
I quack him there.
I quack him pretty much everywhere.

O Christmas Duck!
O Christmas Duck!
You really are a stroke of luck!

I quack him hard,
I quack him light,
I keep my Mommy up at night...

O Christmas Duck!
O Christmasssssssss Duckkkkkkkkk!
I really LOVE my Christmas Duck!

Ok ok, so I'm not Lord Byron or Keats or somebody, whoever the heck they are. But you get the point. I love this duck! You guys can see Gonzo in the pics below. Is he macho or what????

I invite you all to come up with more stanzas to my song if you think you can do any better. Harumph! Just watch your pantameter you hear?????

My Christmas Message To All My Loyal Readers

Me and my mommy want to wish all our loyal readers a very Merry Christmas and we both want God and dog-god to bless all of you.

God loves all his creatures and that includes me and you and even that pain in the yazoo Mojo.

We have many things to be grateful for and me especially. I am grateful I got born this year and my breeder Mom Kay let Mommy have me as her very own personal Perfect Collie. Mom wants to thank her even more because we are perfect together, me and my family and that's a good thing.


I know I yell a lot on my blog about what a whacko Mom is and how Mojo tortures me but the truth is, they are my family and they love me big time, but talking about that wouldn't make my blog as much fun, right? The truth is many doggies and kitties aren't so lucky like we are this year. If I could have one Christmas present, besides another Duckie, as you can never have enough duckies, I would wish that all the doggies and kitties who don't have great families to love them would find a family like mine and live happily ever after just like Perfect Me intends to do.

Me and Mom and even the cats Mojo and Roni and Binaca love you all and wish you a Merry Christmas filled with lots of duckies and marrow bones.

Why Hudson's Mom Loves Him More Than My Mom Loves Me

Well check this out gang.

This is one of my boyfriends, Hudson. As you can see, he is very comfortable. To top it off he gets to lie under an expensive piano which his Mom actually knows how to play, something that ain't gonna happen here, let me tell you.

Anyways, I am sure that Hudson's Mom loves Hudson more than my Mom loves me. Do you know what that woman did? Hudson's Mom had to take a little trip from Brooklyn to Manhattan and she was going to take the subway, which is way faster than driving and trying to find a parking place, which could take hours, not that I would know, since my mother never took me to Manhattan. Anyways, it would have been great if ole Hudsy coulda just gone with his mom on the subway but dog's aren't allowed on the subway! Now let me ask you: Have any of you ever seen some of the characters that ride the New York Subway? I mean come on now! Mom said right out loud when she heard this story that she would rather sit next to Hudson on the subway than some of those characters any day of the week. Now how is this fair???

Well so anyways, Hudson's Mom gets ready to leave and go on the subway, and Hudson does that sad doggie thing we spoiled rotten doggies all took courses on. You know the one.....Feel Guilty 101? Anyways, Hudson obviously has it mastered. He's so good at it that Hudson's Mom fell for the whole Woe Is Me You Are Leaving Me schpiel and what does she do? She takes Hudson with her and DRIVES to Manhattan. Is this woman a good Sucker Mom or what? You heard of Soccer Moms right? Well don't mistake them for Sucker Moms. Soccer Moms drive bratty little kids to games in SUVs. Sucker Moms drive perfect doggies around in SUVs. Just so you know the difference.

Well let me tell you, I would have never gotten away with this trick with my Mom. Mom would have said, Now Tosca, be a good girl and Mommy will be back before you even know it. Then she would have left me at the mercy of Mojo half the day! The only good thing would be that she would come home with a present for me. I've got that one down to a science. The woman comes in the house with a bag and I look at her like Did You Bring Me Something? If there's nothing in the bag, boy can I ever make her feel guilty. I am so good at this that every time Mom goes shopping anywhere where it means she's coming in the door with a bag, she buys me something. How's that for training, huh?

But that's small potatoes next to what Hudson pulled off. Hudson is my hero fer sure. On the other hand, I should really point out that it would take mom four hours to drive to Manhattan and that's with a tail wind, since she doesn't live anywhere near Manhattan.

But why should that matter, right?

Human Boys And Me

Boys.

There's just something about human boys that makes me go wild. I mean, they don't care if I chase the bejesus out of them and knock them down on their butts. They don't care if I herd them in a pile. They don't care if I get their coats dirty. They don't even care if I hold them down in the snow and mud! Human boys are so cool! I have a couple of them that live nearby and they come to visit me and let me tell you I wreak havoc when that happens!

Now I want to say right off that I LOVE girls too! There's one older girl nearby who loves to walk me for hours and hours and hours. I mean you can't beat that! Boys don't want to walk me, they want to rumble with me! She's a cool girl too but I don't have a picture with her because she always whines about how her hair is a mess and crap like that. I think she always looks just fine! But I have to admit that she gets a little put out if, like for instance, it's cold and I get snot on her jacket. She says Ewwwwwwwwwwww! Boys just let it riiiiiiiide!

Here's a coupla shots of me and My Boy Johnny. Now Johnny not only doesn't care if I take a bite off his Big Mac, but he also CARRIES me around! That's right! Big ole me gets carried like a little baby puppy by Johnny. And as you can see by the photos I just get this ....look...on my face, like I'm just a little old five pound puppy being saved! Mommy loves that look I get when Johnny carries me around. You see The Look? That's the look of a happy Collie who is too big for everybody to carry around, except for Johnny! I mean Mom says she ain't lifting me without a crane but not Johnny! No sir, Johnny just picks me up! And I weigh a whole lot more than a big bag of rock salt, let me tell you! I won't tell you what I weigh though because it's rude to ask a lady her weight.

Anyways, Johnny came over last night and we played in the back in the snow in the dark until I nearly dropped. He made wads of snow and smashed them in my face. I knocked him down right there on the ground and stood over him. I grabbed his hat and took it off and ran. Then he threw around my frisbee and I trudged around and got it. He hid and I had to go find him. I muddied up everything he was wearing too! It was so cool. His mother must have been furious except that I know for a fact his mother loves me too. She gives me hot dogs when I visit there and everything! Don't tell Mom. Mom has a thing about hot dogs. She says they are chicken beaks and pig entrails and chopped off fingers and stuff. Perfect food for dogs though! Just the kind of stuff that mom would never allow in a bag of dog food. No wonder they are so good!

But so anyways, after we came in, I got dried off and got my paws washed by my obsessive-compulsive Mom, and Johnny had some hot chocolate and cookies, and he gave me treats and things and pieces of his cookie when Mom wasn't looking.

And then...gasp..he did it! He carried me around! Then he put me on his lap! Ok I hung off some, but so what? I was a five pound puppy last night! Can you see?

Oh Joy!

Ducks Ducks Everywhere Ducks Ducks

I got my ducks in a row.

That's what my whackjob Mother says.

Anyways, I have this ..um...endearing eccentricity. I don't like toys unless they are quacking duckies. I mean no kidding. I can tell.

There is nothing like a good duck to warm my heart. Well, that and a fresh pork neck bone, but that's another story. Ok well anyways, I have a shot here of some, but not all, of my duckies. It's just hard to keep track of them. I mean I bring them all to my sheepskin at night and get them all in a row. Now I know that sounds wierd but I just feel better with my duckies there. I know all their names too! I mean if Mom says, "Go get Mr. Quack," I come back with Mr. Quack. I never mistake Mr. Quack for Duckie or The Quackster. I mean they are all individuals to me!

Mom tried to take a shot of me with some my duckies, but I nearly sent her to a mental institution because I kept grabbing one and taking off or pushing it into her netherparts, begging for her to play with me while mouthing the duckie to get it to quack. This is something Mommy regards as borderline dangerous to her netherparts. Humans, yeesh! What's a little netherpart nip between Collie and Mom, right? So she took my duckie shot with me in abstentia, so to speak. As it is, I was very anxious during this shot and tried several times to jump up and snatch one of my duckies. They are, after all, my duckies right?

The problem is I can't always find all of my duckies for a photo or for anything else. This is mostly because Mojo and Roni hide them. And then there are the ones I stuck someplace or dragged outside and won't find again till Spring. Now these are some of my ducks so have some respect will ya?

To the right is Mr. Quack, who just the other day had a lot of stuffing in him. He also had a quacker in him. The quacker is missing but the stuffing was all over the foyer floor. Mom says she is going to restuff him for me, but I am SOL on the quacker, since she suspects I ate it.

In the middle are Duckie and Auxiliary Duckie. I love Duckie so much that Mom got me Auxiliary Duckie. Is that cool or what? Duckie and Auxiliary Duckie quack 12 times with one bite! Well, except Auxiliary Duckie doesn't always do it because I damaged him the first day she brought him home. But he still quacks. Just not 12 times. Duckie is very cool because I am very adept at activating him in the middle of the night in a way that Mommy calls "ad nauseum," whatever that means.

To the left is Dufus Duck. He's a fairly new duckie, which explains why he doesn't look like he has been living in a swamp all his duck life. I have some other duckies but I couldn't find them in time for this posting. Well that's not exactly true. One of them, Quackman, is out in the yard in the mud and looks more like a dead rat than a duck toy. The other two, The Quackster and Quack Me Up, are probably in the basement or something. Little Baby Duckie is so small, I lose her all the time, so who the heck even knows where she is? Mom hasn't done duckie inventory in awhile and should really get on the stick.

I Been Elfed!

Geeze let me tell you, it's hell living with a Crackpot for a human. I mean, it's a dang good thing the food is good and I'm spoiled rotten. It's a terrible job being a Perfect Collie for a complete raving maniac, but somebody's gotta do it. Will ya just take a look at what she's done to me now and tell me I am not suitable for rescue from this nuthouse.

Tosca Gets Elfed, The Poor Humliated Innocent Perfect Dog!


I endure. I endure.