My Most Excellent Adventure

Aw geeze. I really screwed the pooch this time, scuse the pun. I had what will probably be my one and only adventure for the rest of my miserable life and will be sentenced to this crackpot house for eternity, living only with the memory of what might have been. I devised an incredibly clever plan of escape, clever even for a Perfect Genius Collie like me. I mean it was the bomb! I mean this idea deserved the Perfect Ingenuity Award folks! I should have letters after my name for this!

See, there's this nice old guy who lives behind our property and every now and then he putters around near his shed back there and I go to the fence and he talks to me and gives me cool things like liver treats and other good crap that The Woman endlessly deprives me of. Needless to say I like the guy a lot. Who wouldn't, right?

Well so, it's been a pretty wierd winter what with forty thousand feet of snow being dropped on us just last week. I mean it was snowing so much here in Upstate it was all over the news. So you can guess the snow's pretty deep on my stomping ground out back. But Mom had some intersecting paths put back there in all directions so I don't miss much. I mean I have to give the woman credit, she actually paid somebody to snow blow and shovel paths for me. It took a long time. I mean is that cool or what? Sometimes, living with a neurotic has its advantages. Almost makes me feel guilty over the $20 bill I ate, but that's another story. Anyways, even with the paths, I still jump in the deep snow when I want to. Scares the bejesus out of her when all she sees are my ears and tail. What a kick. On windy snowy days the paths look like the maize in The Shining, but that's neither here nor there either.

Well so it was a nice sunny day so The Nutball gave me written permission to hang out in back all I wanted. So I was just cavorting around the place and taking squirrel inventory, when I spotted the old man back there. So I ran way in back to the workshop and talked to him. I just got so excited cause I haven't seen him most of the winter that I wanted to get a little....you know... a little closer. Well, being a Perfect Collie, I am smart. So I just put two and two together on how I could do this.

Here, I provide a visual for humans, since we all know they have a difficult time absorbing brilliant concepts:

Below is Figure A. It's a shot of the block oven building taken during the Mud Season before leaf cleanup. Please ignore the pesky little kittens sitting there and study the juxtaposition of the little block oven building in relation to the fence behind it.

As you can see in Figure A, there's this old time block BBQ oven pit thing out there to the right, built like a house out of blocks. It's from the old days before they invented those dinky grills that everybody drags around their yards. You know, like the one I tipped over last summer when I decided to herd a bunch of kids at a nice back yard gathering. Now look closely. I mean this thing is a little building. You could roast something really big in that oven let me tell you. Well anyways, being a Perfect Collie, I noticed a coupla things about this structure by using my Perfect deduction skills:

1) The old pit house is right near the fence

2) The old pit house is almost as tall as the fence

3) Next to the old pit house was a bunch of paving and landscaping rocks and bricks (not shown in this earlier photo) that could be climbed by an agile Collie such as myownself. Also note the tree, which I didn't need for my plan, but which might come in handy at a later date.

Now, considering the above three observations, I just figured I could hop right onto the pit house and just sail right over the fence into the deep snow that was half way up the fence. So.........I did it. It was Duck Soup, really. No big deal. Piece of cake. I just hopped right up there on that thing and jumped over to see the old man in the flesh. He was really glad to see me up close too after he got over the surprise and clutched his chest. In fact he was so glad to see me he took me up to his house.

The old guy gave me some water and a nice piece of real ham and then we went outside together and I just figured WowoWow this is so cool! I'm gonna help him make his path and whatever else he needs done. Kind of like his Collie helper. A Handy Dog. This Old House Collie. Kind of like that theme song of that State Farm insurance company that screwed everybody in New Orleans: Like a good neighborrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........Tosca is thereeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Let me tell you, by this time, I was so excited about my adventure and how perfectly I pulled it off that I was making all my best foghorn and chewbacca noises. It was like Whoa! I'm a worldly dog now! I mean there's no end to what I can do now! I can travel! I can visit everywhere! I mean who wouldn't want a visit from Perfect Me, right? I could go here. I could go there. I could go here again. I could go there again! I could get pieces of ham everywhere! I could stock up on junk The Woman never gives me! Why.....why...I am Super Dog!

But so anyways, next thing I know me and the old man are walking together outside but we are walking away from his house, but it was really cool to be walking without a leash or anything so I didn't think much of it. I ran around him in circles and barked my best Collie bark. I hopped up and down in front of him. I danced and did the electric sliiiiiiiiiiiiide. I peed good and yellow in five places in the snow. Then the old guy took out his cell phone and called somebody that turned out to be The Woman. I could hear her mouth from his phone all the way up on his ear, I swear. So the old man tells her that I came to visit him using the ...um...back door... so to speak, and that he was bringing me home.

It was right about this time I remembered The Woman. I was so excited what with the jump and the ham and the walking and all, I forgot about her. Holy cannoli was she ever gonna be mad! I mean she checks on me out back there like every five minutes and I was sure that by now she figured out that I had .....jumped ship. But just for a visit! I mean it's not like I was permanently LEAVING or anything! I was gonna come back the same way! I wasn't sure exactly how, since there was nothing to jump on from the other side, but I would have worked it out right? After all, I'm a Collie!

So while we were walking, I figured I better come up with a good story here but I was just having too good a time with the old guy to think straight. I mean, let's face it, I used a lot of grey matter to figure out how to get to him, so I was a little tapped out.

Anyways, suddenly there she was. I mean we were walking and Mom was out there in front pacing. Boy, I could see she was pale from the distance! So she spots us and yells Tosca! and I run my best Lassie run, the wind from the velocity or whatever blowing my head fur backward. You know, the kind of run you would see on TV for a dog food commercial, with Sparky running in slow motion so that he could get to some crappy food they sell in supermarkets and live happily ever after.

Boy was she glad to see me! I mean I ran and knocked her right on her butt and she grabbed me and kissed me all over the face and said, "Tosca I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you!".

Anyways, the old man said he didn't want coffee so he went home and I barked him a goodbye and Mom took me by the collar and we went inside. I mean, she took me by the collar! Can you imagine! I mean, I just left our property-- in a very clever way, I might add. I could have been halfway to East Jesus by then, but I didn't really stray at all. I just went to see the old man. I took off and coulda gone anywhere I wanted and NOW she's grabbing my collar? How's THAT for gratitude? Shrug.

I figured I got off easy because she was too shaken to bother being mad at me. So I hunkered down for a nap. Escaping takes a lot out of a dog. Then the next thing I know, she's pouring some foul brown stuff in a glass and gulping it down. I never saw her do that before but it seemed to mellow her if ya get my drift. Then she put her coat on and we went out back again, where she proceded to remove all the bricks and rocks and things that I used to hop onto the BBQ pit. This was the point at which reality set in. In other words, the beeeaaaatttch foiled me from ever visiting the old man again. I kind of figured since I had the whole routine down pat, I could use that route again. You know, travel the world, knock on doors, sniff some other dogs' butts. Chase cats. Live off the fat of the land. But Nope! Alas, I had been foiled. Not only do I live with a Crazy woman, as you all well know, but now I am now regarded as "not trusted". I mean, a Perfect Collie such as myownself uses all her faculties to create a Most Excellent Adventure, and am I rewarded for my genius? No! How fair is that?

Next thing I know we are heading back to the house and I figure I can settle down for my nap. So I sit at her feet and she gives me that old familiar Stinky Eye, coupled with the Chicken Bob. Now you guys all know that individually, the Stinky Eye and the Chicken Bob never mean something good, but together they can be disasterous. So she looks at me with her hands on her hips and starts in:

"Tosca, leaving the property is not acceptable," she whined
"This is not good manners at all, Tosca," she droned
"You nearly gave me a heart attack," she prattled
"Don't you ever do that again, Tosca," she growled.
"Do you hear me, Tosca? Tossssssscaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

There it was. She was dragging her words again. I hate that! So I looked at her with my best I Am So Ashamed look. I mean what else was I gonna do, cut open a vein? So she plops herself down on the couch and I saw this as a good opening. I did my best foghorn sound and jumped up on the couch with her, the good couch I might add, not the one I ate. I shimmied up next to her and put my Perfect Chin on her lap. This always melts her of course. I ain't stupid you know.

Next thing I know. The Woman corks off asleep, leaving me to do the only logical thing I could do: Figure out how to get those stones and bricks back next to the old pit house without her knowing it. Or maybe that tree...
......snicker..